Whacked upside the soul.

The title may be misleading.

Just when I had given up on 2012 producing any kind of respite, I am suddenly, happily, knocked out of my sodden, stumbling emotional stupor and thrown into the bliss-full backseat of forward motion.

I'm ravishing my breakthroughs much like a 17th century lover who's been held captive in a dungeon, strapped to The Machine and ebbed of lifeflow by a sadistic Prince Humperdink only to be rescued by Inigo Montoya, but in this case Prince Humperdink has a serious case of nasty gaptooth, leftover/unintelligent ancestral-speak and a penchant for misspellings and sad rant.

Life embraces, and I'm huggin it back and planting sloppy, wet kisses all over it's pretty face.

Flowery & meandering prose aside, here are a few things I'm looking forward to or in the midst of:

1. The omnipresence of all things autumn. It's here, I'm in it, so ain't nuttin gettin' me down, suckas.

2. Cardinal playoffs. Especially after a trouncing.

3. Cabining, when I get to makeout with trees, float my 'yak, and roast various sundries over a crackling fire.

4. This band:


5. The new installment of Paranormal Activity - #4.


6. This concert:




7. Cold-weather riding and running.

8. Upcoming trips to NYC, Baltimore, Chitown and TBD.

9. Outstanding time spent with friends.

10. This:

Ahh....

One of the great things about living so close to family is that they can cheer me on when I work out.

I had some free time tonight, so I went for a nice and easy run after mowing the lawn.

I called my mom when I was passing her house, and she waved me on.

My time wasn't great - I ran just over 3 miles with an average of 10:34 per mile. But it felt really nice to be out in the slightly cool, dark evening in my safe little hood.

I just downed a delish USANA chocolate shake with a banana.

Some days, it's the big things that get you down or motivate you.

On others, it's the little things.

Tonight it was a combination of both.

I'll take it...with a smile.

True colors

I recently discovered that someone I have known for a while is being a bully. I had looked up to this person as they’ve shown great momentum and commitment to the health and well-being of themselves and others, and came across as very positive and good-hearted.

People make mistakes – it’s what makes us human. And forgiveness, especially for our own mistakes as well as other’s missteps, is a sign of growth, maturity and goodness and is what makes us compassionate.

So when I learned of the blatant display of meanness, as I did this week, it was shocking and disheartening, especially in light of the fact that we both know someone who recently took their own life, the reasons for which none of us may ever know.

I want only the best for the people in my life, and for others.  I will keep this person in my heart, and hope that they can find it within themselves to be a better person.

13th Universal Law

It's been a tough year.

The loss of my grandma was beyond difficult. I wasn't prepared for the sadness that followed.

I was in class a few weeks ago, and a represtative from Baue Funeral Home was the guest speaker, discussing grief. This is an area I studied for my degree, and one of my specialty areas, so I was especially interested in what she had to say.

One point in the lecture really hit home - once you experience a terrible loss, you will never be the person you once were.

That made me feel incredibly sad. I sat there in class and felt my chest tighten, and my entire body deflate and fold inward.

I knew she was right. Since 4/20, I have not felt like myself. I have felt very floaty at times, disconnected. Other times, my thinking feels muddled and clouded, like I am encased in styrofoam or cotton. I feel like I've been knocked off my path and the darkness isn't letting me regain my footing to find it again.

To realize that you have been changed, markedly, and there's no going back is an incredibly painful thing to wrap your head around.

I used to call her on my way home from work, almost every day. I loved our conversations, even when she wasn't feeling better she would try to stay on the phone awhile. Her voice was home to me. So when her health started to go downhill, and I began to understand that she wouldn't be getting better, I tried in my head to prepare for what was to come.

What I've learned is you cannot prepare. But what you can do is acknowledge the pain, go through the process, and try and come out the other side using what you learned to make life livable again.

The last few weeks have been better, although I still reach for the phone on the way home from work to call her, and that makes me sad.

I decided to make a conscious effort to resurrect the good things and people in my life that I had put on hold for many months that make me happy. I'm getting back to happy, or less sad, every day.

Part of the newfound "resurrection" plan includes doing things for myself that make me feel good. Biking, working out. Exploring nature and soaking it in. Spending time with friends, old and new. Being happy for the air I breathe and the little things. Living in the moment.

I've also learned to let the crazy be crazy and live within their own drama, and not accept it as my own.

Be responsible for your own "stuff". It's good to have empathy for other people's pain, but in the end it's their pain to deal with. You cannot take it on, but you can give grace and care when needed.

Also, ask for what you want, and you just might get it.

Obviously there's only one thing I really want right now, and there's no way it can happen unless I can go back in time to 4/20.

So on I go.

Go beyond

Living it out: adjective; to go through the motions.

I've been doing this since 4/20.

A few weeks ago, I made a conscious effort to shake myself out of that way of thinking.

I reset my path. I reframed my outlook, shifted and stepped forward.

Reconnecting with friends after an unintentional sabbatical feels great - they've lent me their strength, wisdom and support for which I'll forever be thankful. The new friends I've made as of late have infused new energy within me, for which I'm also grateful.

I'm not of the "life is short" mentality - I think that kind of perspective can lead to recklessness.

I'm leaning towards "life is now" mentality. You can let the past shape you, learn lessons from it, but don't drag it behind you like a ball and chain. It will evenutally take you down.

On the flip side, the future is unknown, so you can't live for what comes tomorrow. You can make plans and take steps to prepare and hope that you're on the right path. However, expect that it may not go your way.

The present is a gift.

Don't live it out. Sit with it, smile at it. embrace it with happiness, and give yourself grace.

Be thankful for the past. Be awake in the now. Be hopeful for the future.

So in love

Yup. I'm in love.

It's a great feeling to wake up in the morning knowing that there is a special feeling that will carry you through the day. Through the good times. Through the bad.

Being in love makes me want to bake cupcakes.

It makes me want to dance in fountains.

It makes me want to stay up all night so I don''t miss a thing. (lightly quoting Aerosmith...apparently love makes me want to do that also.)

It makes me want to lounge in bed all morning, wrapping up in my comfy sheets and blankets and hugging the pillow tight.

Being in love makes anything seem possible.

It allows me to see the world in a whole new way. Fresh, and just for me.

I am in love. Deeply, deeply in love.

Throw my head back, eyes closed, breahtlessly in love.

No turning back here.

I'm in over my head, and where this will lead is anyone's guess.

I just have to go with it, embrace the euphoria and hope for the best.

I want this love to last forever.

This love, that's just for me.

I am sooooo in love.....................

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With autumn.

:-)

This time of year is so damn magical to me. Always has been, as long as I can remember.

The smell of wet leaves. Early morning cool rain. The colors. The feel of the air.

I love fall, and it loves me.

Being in love with autumn is almost better than being in love for real.

Almost, but not quite. ;-)

Lunchtime woes

I just got back from lunch w/colleagues at Hendels, which is in Old Town Florissant.

Never been - to the restaurant or Old Town Florissant.

Delicious food. Fish tacos. A little on the fishy side.

But something isn't sitting right with me. The gurgling has begun.

Embarassing. Hopefully my coworkers cannot hear.

Not only that I've just burped twice (stifled). Couldn't stop it.

This NEVER happens.

Not a good sign, folks. Not a good sign.