Surprises

Today was a really good day. Kind of unexpected given recent circumstances, but everything fell into place.

Thankful for surprises such as this.

Well

As my friend Scott so elegantly put it, everything happens for a reason.

I believe this also. The reason may not present itself for a long time, but it eventually does.

But in the moment, like three weeks ago when I was told Arthur was gone, and even now, there's no reason I can think of that he had to leave this world in that way.

Maybe to make me realize what he meant to me? I always knew that, didn't need any kind of reminder.

Wow

Amazing night. Just got home. Three hours til my morning run.

Run, schmun. i got this.

Tired face, scratchy voice and excessive yawns are inevitable, but worth every minute.

What's up, doc

Let me start by saying that the BJH Breast Health Center is a top-notch facility. Efficiency, intelligence and kindness overflow from the folks who work there, from the administration to the docs.

Constant, light pain is what prompted me to see them. For three months my right nipple has been sore. I made an appt to see my OB/GYN and while everything looked okay from the outside, she said I needed to get a mammogram and ultrasound ASAP to rule anything out.
The Breast Health Center got me in the very next day (today).

Last night I wasn't sweating the situation, but this morning was a whole different story. Everything I saw and heard, every corner I turned I connected with bad news/breast cancer/death. I think this is a normal reaction to anyone who feels as if they're about to face their mortality head-on.

They started with a bi-lateral mammogram, which didn't hurt at all, just mild discomfort. They then told me to sit in the waiting room while the radiologist viewed the pics. After about 10 minutes they called me back in for a whole new set of very painful squish pics of just my right breast - seven in all. Ouch!! That smarted for awhile, and got me thinking that having a second round wasn't a good sign.

Then they brought me in for an ultrasound, which was done by a resident. Light pressure, easy peasy, he said he didn't see anything but some asymmetry in the glands. He went and got the main physician, who used a lot of pressure for quite a while, going over and over the same area. She called another doc in to look, and then they left the room.

A couple minutes later the resident came in to tell me that they saw some asymmetry in the glands in the right breast, but nothing that looks bad. Since I don't know my family history or have any previous tests to use as a baseline, they want me back in six months for another diagnostic mamm and ultrasound to rule anything out. If the nipple pain gets worse or I see any discharge, skin changes or feel any difference (lumps) in the next six months, they told me to come back in before my appt.

So it would seem I have been given a reprieve - a free six-month pass.

I'll take it.

I'm glad I went in, as scary as the whole experience was. Better to know than not, right?

Now time to get busy fulfilling some promises I made to others and to myself over the last 24 hours while waiting for this experience to be over.

Random thoughts for a cool Friday afternoon

Confidence is a huge turn on. 

Lack of confidence elicits the opposite feeling.

Also, timing is everything.

Finally, I miss my friend Arthur. It's been a week, but the sadness and anger are still there. 

Bad Day

Extenuating circumstances or not, when someone close to you takes their own life, it's natural to feel sad, and also a little (or a lot) angry.

I'm angry at the circumstances. His actions were brought on by a bad reaction to new medication his physician recently put him on. He had a four year old daughter whom he lived for, and would have never done what he did yesterday had he not been reacting to the meds. He lived his life with purpose, and walked and talked that purpose. And it took less than a week on this particular medication to alter his outlook and his reality to the point where he decided it would be better to end his life than feel so helpless. It tears me up to think of the pain he must have been in to have thought this was the only way out.

I don't know every detail of what went down yesterday morning and don't want to. The more I know, the more I'd play the "why didn't I/someone" game in my head and that's no good for anyone. And I just don't want to know because I hate to think of how he might have been feeling or what his actions were leading up to the end. It would be more than I can handle right now.

What I know is that it all happened very fast. When I got the first call about the events playing out, I was on my way to work. It sounded like everything that could be done was being done, help was on the way. When I got the second call less than two minutes later, I was relieved thinking it would be good news, because you want to pass on the good news quickly, and wait on the bad...right? It wasn't good news, and I wasn't prepared.

I'm so thankful I made it to Memphis last weekend. That small detail makes this whole thing a little less devastating.

As his brother so eloquently said, "Apparently the strong ones, the ones you never see fall - pay attention, the merest whisper for help needs to be interpreted as a scream. Pay attention to the ones you love. Take nothing for granted."

We lost a wonderful friend, father, son, brother, uncle and champion yesterday. Arthur was a bright, warm and funny man and I'm lucky to have had him in my life for as long as I did. I miss him very much.

Southern Hospitality

Another long weekend in Memphis.

Explored Midtown, went to our favorite dive The Cove, and hunted down a bottle of Stone Woot Stout for B.

Nice to get away, but happy to be home.