True colors

I recently discovered that someone I have known for a while is being a bully. I had looked up to this person as they’ve shown great momentum and commitment to the health and well-being of themselves and others, and came across as very positive and good-hearted.

People make mistakes – it’s what makes us human. And forgiveness, especially for our own mistakes as well as other’s missteps, is a sign of growth, maturity and goodness and is what makes us compassionate.

So when I learned of the blatant display of meanness, as I did this week, it was shocking and disheartening, especially in light of the fact that we both know someone who recently took their own life, the reasons for which none of us may ever know.

I want only the best for the people in my life, and for others.  I will keep this person in my heart, and hope that they can find it within themselves to be a better person.

13th Universal Law

It's been a tough year.

The loss of my grandma was beyond difficult. I wasn't prepared for the sadness that followed.

I was in class a few weeks ago, and a represtative from Baue Funeral Home was the guest speaker, discussing grief. This is an area I studied for my degree, and one of my specialty areas, so I was especially interested in what she had to say.

One point in the lecture really hit home - once you experience a terrible loss, you will never be the person you once were.

That made me feel incredibly sad. I sat there in class and felt my chest tighten, and my entire body deflate and fold inward.

I knew she was right. Since 4/20, I have not felt like myself. I have felt very floaty at times, disconnected. Other times, my thinking feels muddled and clouded, like I am encased in styrofoam or cotton. I feel like I've been knocked off my path and the darkness isn't letting me regain my footing to find it again.

To realize that you have been changed, markedly, and there's no going back is an incredibly painful thing to wrap your head around.

I used to call her on my way home from work, almost every day. I loved our conversations, even when she wasn't feeling better she would try to stay on the phone awhile. Her voice was home to me. So when her health started to go downhill, and I began to understand that she wouldn't be getting better, I tried in my head to prepare for what was to come.

What I've learned is you cannot prepare. But what you can do is acknowledge the pain, go through the process, and try and come out the other side using what you learned to make life livable again.

The last few weeks have been better, although I still reach for the phone on the way home from work to call her, and that makes me sad.

I decided to make a conscious effort to resurrect the good things and people in my life that I had put on hold for many months that make me happy. I'm getting back to happy, or less sad, every day.

Part of the newfound "resurrection" plan includes doing things for myself that make me feel good. Biking, working out. Exploring nature and soaking it in. Spending time with friends, old and new. Being happy for the air I breathe and the little things. Living in the moment.

I've also learned to let the crazy be crazy and live within their own drama, and not accept it as my own.

Be responsible for your own "stuff". It's good to have empathy for other people's pain, but in the end it's their pain to deal with. You cannot take it on, but you can give grace and care when needed.

Also, ask for what you want, and you just might get it.

Obviously there's only one thing I really want right now, and there's no way it can happen unless I can go back in time to 4/20.

So on I go.

Go beyond

Living it out: adjective; to go through the motions.

I've been doing this since 4/20.

A few weeks ago, I made a conscious effort to shake myself out of that way of thinking.

I reset my path. I reframed my outlook, shifted and stepped forward.

Reconnecting with friends after an unintentional sabbatical feels great - they've lent me their strength, wisdom and support for which I'll forever be thankful. The new friends I've made as of late have infused new energy within me, for which I'm also grateful.

I'm not of the "life is short" mentality - I think that kind of perspective can lead to recklessness.

I'm leaning towards "life is now" mentality. You can let the past shape you, learn lessons from it, but don't drag it behind you like a ball and chain. It will evenutally take you down.

On the flip side, the future is unknown, so you can't live for what comes tomorrow. You can make plans and take steps to prepare and hope that you're on the right path. However, expect that it may not go your way.

The present is a gift.

Don't live it out. Sit with it, smile at it. embrace it with happiness, and give yourself grace.

Be thankful for the past. Be awake in the now. Be hopeful for the future.

So in love

Yup. I'm in love.

It's a great feeling to wake up in the morning knowing that there is a special feeling that will carry you through the day. Through the good times. Through the bad.

Being in love makes me want to bake cupcakes.

It makes me want to dance in fountains.

It makes me want to stay up all night so I don''t miss a thing. (lightly quoting Aerosmith...apparently love makes me want to do that also.)

It makes me want to lounge in bed all morning, wrapping up in my comfy sheets and blankets and hugging the pillow tight.

Being in love makes anything seem possible.

It allows me to see the world in a whole new way. Fresh, and just for me.

I am in love. Deeply, deeply in love.

Throw my head back, eyes closed, breahtlessly in love.

No turning back here.

I'm in over my head, and where this will lead is anyone's guess.

I just have to go with it, embrace the euphoria and hope for the best.

I want this love to last forever.

This love, that's just for me.

I am sooooo in love.....................

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With autumn.

:-)

This time of year is so damn magical to me. Always has been, as long as I can remember.

The smell of wet leaves. Early morning cool rain. The colors. The feel of the air.

I love fall, and it loves me.

Being in love with autumn is almost better than being in love for real.

Almost, but not quite. ;-)

Lunchtime woes

I just got back from lunch w/colleagues at Hendels, which is in Old Town Florissant.

Never been - to the restaurant or Old Town Florissant.

Delicious food. Fish tacos. A little on the fishy side.

But something isn't sitting right with me. The gurgling has begun.

Embarassing. Hopefully my coworkers cannot hear.

Not only that I've just burped twice (stifled). Couldn't stop it.

This NEVER happens.

Not a good sign, folks. Not a good sign.

Lips and gravel - movie review

We went to see the film "Lawless" last night.

It was much better that I expected it to be. Perhaps that's because I really had no idea what to expect, aside from seeing his loveliness Shia LeBeouf.

But it wasn't Shia who held me fast in my seat, breathe shallow and eyes glued to the screen. Get ready, 'cause I'm about to get full-on "girl" here...

It would be that fine, delicious hunk of grade A prime actor, Tom Hardy.

I'm watching this guy just eat up the screen in every scene he's in, and all I can think of is, "Who the hell is Tom Hardy?"

I had to IMDB him to find out he has been in a myriad of movies I've seen, but obviously overlooked his hotness in.

He played Bane in the latest Batman. WHA???? Well, gross, I'll overlook that.

But, he was also in RocknRolla, Layer Cake and Black Hawk Down, all fine flicks but I cannot place his characters for the life of me.

How could I have missed his big, beautiful lips and gravely voice? Yup, again with the girlie-talk.

In short, "Lawless" is based on the true story of the three Bondurant brothers in 1930's Depression-era Franklin County, Virginia, which happended to be the moonshine capitol of the US at the time. It's full of grime, hard-scrabble money-making bootlegging and the three brothers must take on a dandy/fancy Special Deputy played to a disgusting hilt by Guy Pearce. The bile that this guy brings to the back of the throat is vomit-inducing. Seriously. Just the hair alone had me looking away anytime he came on screen.

It's a very good story, all of the actors do a fine job, and the ending is one of the best I've seen in a movie in quite some time. Aside from Hardy and Shia, Gary Oldman and Jessica Chastain have good filler parts. But what took this movie from a B to an A for me, what kept me watching through the more quiet parts, was Tom Hardy.

His performance was eloquent, strong, forceful and steadfast. And yeah, sexy It was also very funny at times, and his character provided what little humor that could be held during what felt like a very real portrayal of what was historically a tough time for most.

Be warned that this is a violent movie - the sound effects are spot-on and cringe-inducing, and the visual violence almost equals what can be heard.

But also be warned that Tom Hardy migt make you swoon, ladies. Just sayin'.