13th Universal Law

It's been a tough year.

The loss of my grandma was beyond difficult. I wasn't prepared for the sadness that followed.

I was in class a few weeks ago, and a represtative from Baue Funeral Home was the guest speaker, discussing grief. This is an area I studied for my degree, and one of my specialty areas, so I was especially interested in what she had to say.

One point in the lecture really hit home - once you experience a terrible loss, you will never be the person you once were.

That made me feel incredibly sad. I sat there in class and felt my chest tighten, and my entire body deflate and fold inward.

I knew she was right. Since 4/20, I have not felt like myself. I have felt very floaty at times, disconnected. Other times, my thinking feels muddled and clouded, like I am encased in styrofoam or cotton. I feel like I've been knocked off my path and the darkness isn't letting me regain my footing to find it again.

To realize that you have been changed, markedly, and there's no going back is an incredibly painful thing to wrap your head around.

I used to call her on my way home from work, almost every day. I loved our conversations, even when she wasn't feeling better she would try to stay on the phone awhile. Her voice was home to me. So when her health started to go downhill, and I began to understand that she wouldn't be getting better, I tried in my head to prepare for what was to come.

What I've learned is you cannot prepare. But what you can do is acknowledge the pain, go through the process, and try and come out the other side using what you learned to make life livable again.

The last few weeks have been better, although I still reach for the phone on the way home from work to call her, and that makes me sad.

I decided to make a conscious effort to resurrect the good things and people in my life that I had put on hold for many months that make me happy. I'm getting back to happy, or less sad, every day.

Part of the newfound "resurrection" plan includes doing things for myself that make me feel good. Biking, working out. Exploring nature and soaking it in. Spending time with friends, old and new. Being happy for the air I breathe and the little things. Living in the moment.

I've also learned to let the crazy be crazy and live within their own drama, and not accept it as my own.

Be responsible for your own "stuff". It's good to have empathy for other people's pain, but in the end it's their pain to deal with. You cannot take it on, but you can give grace and care when needed.

Also, ask for what you want, and you just might get it.

Obviously there's only one thing I really want right now, and there's no way it can happen unless I can go back in time to 4/20.

So on I go.