Dating Do's: Bring On The Pitfalls

I read this great article the other day on how overconfidence and paranoia can become self-fulfilling prophecies. There is some validity to this, especially if you've ever worked for/with someone you know is completely unqualified for the work they do, but because of their overconfidence and other things like charm, connections, etc., they continue to be successful.

Overconfidence may work on the job, but when it comes to relationships, it can backfire. There's a not-so-fine line between having a healthy, justified dose of confidence and being overconfident to the point of arrogance. This goes for paranoia as well. As much as a women can overanalyze, we can also recognize when something is amiss.

I once dated a guy who had appealling swagger, but tried to back it up with the wrong stuff. In the first few "get to know you" dates, he was very vague to the point of coming across as shifty about what he did before getting into his very respectable and fulfilling job in finance. I had to employ some subtle super sleuth communication tactics in order to get him to finally spill the beans.

At first, he said he worked in the "entertainment industry." Okay, that can mean many things, some of them Disney and some of them skank, so I pushed him for more and got a more flavorful answer of "my years with the bar" - huh? Okay, we were getting somewhere.  The way he had worded it made it sound as if he owned a club or maybe was a partner, so I then asked flat out "what bar did you own?" Instead of answering, he started the Q&A game...did you grow up here? Did you used to go dancing? Ever go over to Illinois to dance?

All of his questions lead to one answer in my mind - The Oz, which was a dance club on the "East Side" that my college friends and I went to throughout 1991, on occasion, after seeing a band or a party so we could continue the good times. It was what it was - somewhat seedy, skanky, but it played the music we liked and was open very late, so it served a purpose.

Turns out, he didn't own the Oz (of course) but he was a bartender there for many, many years.

There is absolutely no shame in this. And this information would've been no big deal but the fact that he hemmed and hawed and danced around this part of his past said a LOT about how HE felt about it, so then I didn't feel so great about it.

Had he just come out with it, in a direct manner, I probably wouldn't have ended up feeling skeevy about his past.

His inability to admit it made it feel skeevy to me.

This is where overconfidence would've served him well. Instead, his paranoia about how women would perceive this part of his past became a self-fulfilling prophecy - he though women would be turned off, and due to his delivery, I was.

Learning about his past wasn't the reason I stopped dating him. He was a nice enough guy, but let's just say I knew there wasn't a chance for long-term here.

So I guess the lesson here is there's no sense in withholding important details - they'll eventually come out, and better sooner than later. It might not be an even playing field, but knowing the pitfalls and obstacles will help with navigation down the line.